Monday, May 18, 2009

What Maisie doesn't know

Hah - didn't I say so!

The lamentable dismal tragedy story of Juliet Chantelle, Romeo Alfie and their little Baby Maisie brings to mind the comic routine of the fictional pre-WWII comedian Gorgeous George, retold in Angela Carter's last novel Wise Children (1991) by her narrator-protagonist Nora Chance:
" ... and this boy's thoughts turned lightly to" - big poke in the air with the gold club - "so he says to his dad, 'I want to get married to the girl next door, Dad.'

" ' Ho, hum,' says his dad. "I've got news for you, son. When I was your age, I used to get me leg over - ' "

Roars, shrieks, hoots; but all so much titillation without any substance, I tell you, because he gave them a shocked look, pursed his lips together, shook his golf club in reproof.

"Filthy minds, some of you have," he grieved in parenthesis. Renewed hoots and shrieks.

"What I was about to say before I was so rudely interrupted ..."

That was his other catch phrase.
'
... was, I used to get me leg over the garden wall -'

He made a fierce lunge in the air with his golf club and looked around, working his eyebrows as if to defy misinterpretation.

'... and, cut a long story short, you can't marry the girl next door, son, on account of she's your sister.'

The air turned blue. Mothers forced reluctant children outside, bribing with ice-cream.

"So this boy buys a bike" - he straddled his golf club, mimicked pedalling, renewed roaring - "and pedals off. Pedals, I said, Missus; what d'you think I said? He pedals off to Hove."

Wonderful diction. Grandma herself couldn't have done more with that long 'O'.

"He comes back, he says to his father: 'I've met this nayce girl from Hove, Dad.' 'Hove?' says Dad. 'Sorry to say, son, I frequently hove to in Hove when I was your age and - '"

He halted, working his eyebrows, manipulating his golf club. Say no more. They laughed until they cried.

"This poor boy, he buys himself a day return, he goes up to Victoria, he meets a girl under the clock. Clock, I said, Missus. But his father says: 'We had trains in my young day, son ...'

Appreciative gurgles.

"The boy goes into the kitchen for a cup of tea. Big sigh. His mum says: 'You've got a face as long as a - '"

Eyebrows. Golf club. Roars.

"What I was going to say, before I was so rudely interrupted, was ... as long as a fiddle!"

They pounded the floorboards with their feet.

" 'Looks like I'll never get married, Mum.' 'Why's that, son?' He told her all about it, she says: 'You just go ahead and marry who you like, son -' "

Split-second timing. That pause. Perfect.

' 'E's not your father!' "

All them DNA-tests paid by Max Clifford and co. really spoil the fun.

2 comments:

Geoff Coupe said...

Ah, Angela! She was taken from us far too soon...

mikeovswinton said...

If you think that's good,try the real thing. Can I suggest you get onto Amazon and buy the CD of Frankie Howard at the Establishment. Not as blue tinged, but a record of a master at work. Listen out for Kenneth Williams' laughing himself silly in the audience.